I was sitting in "the red chair" with my daughter one night last week when she couldn't sleep and I was just running ideas for blogs through my head... I could write about how I can't stop with just one donut hole or a handful of m & m's, I have to eat the whole bag, why do I have to have everything for my kids, why do I have so much "stuff"... in thinking about all of this and how it relates to my weight problem I got thinking, everything revolves around the same topic... I am never satisfied with anything.

This is so true. Since i can remember I always wanted more. I wanted what everyone else had and I didn't have. I didn't have brothers and sisters, I didn't have a Dad. I remember that I was one of the very few, when I was growing up who didn't have both parents in the home. That was not the norm in 1970. In first grade a girl moved in to our school and her parents were divorced but her mom was getting remarried so she had that Dad influence.

When I went home there was just me and my Mom. No one else... until I was in 6th grade when we got an Old English Sheepdog, but it was just us. I never really learned how to play with others, fight with others, but I did learn how to be alone. I was very outgoing before that was a good thing because I spent so much time with adults. It is hard to be a child and trying to be satisfied with being who I was when I had my Mom's customers all telling me different things and what was good but more so what was bad about what I was doing or how I was acting. It was very hard for me a satisfy anyone so why would I be able to satisfy myself? Well I could if I filled up on food.

I NEVER had the right clothes. You know growing up in the late 70's early 80's it was all about being preppy and popular. Well, I did have some great friends but I think we all wished we were just a little bit more popular. I know that I always wished I had cool clothes and shoes. But back then they didn't know what a size 12 shoe was and I was a size 16 or 18 and they just didn't carry those sizes and then to be tall on top of it all... (a 16 - 18 back then is today's size 12 - 14) I was not the norm. I could never be satisfied and I was never satisfied unless I was eating.

This subject has truly been an epiphany for me. I am just amazed at how what I do now takes me back to what I did as a kid and how it all seems to be about never being satisfied. So I'm soul searching and trying to figure out why I should not be satisfied now? I have a great husband, fabulous children, yet I continue to eat. I continue to be unhealthy. I'm not happy with my house, I'm not happy with the amount of time my job takes me away from my family, I'm just not happy with myself right now. I need to really figure this out. I have everything, I want for nothing... I eat I eat I eat.

So what do I do. How do I make this better? How do I satisfy myself? I think that it is going to take time but I'm going to work at it. First of all I'm going to fill myself up with the people who love me. I'm going to spend as much time with my husband and kids. I'm going to call my therapist when I need to just talk. I'm going to talk to my Mom about things that are important but I'm not going to let her living in my house affect how I need to eat.