So I went to the doctor yesterday and well everything I was dreading came true. I knew it was going to. I did nothing to stop it... I'm fat, I have high blood pressure, and my sugar is ridiculous. Well I'm giving myself 6 months to get 40 pounds off!!! 6 months... what's 6 months. It takes longer to bake a baby. I'm going to commit to working out 3 times a week. I won't get the three times in this week but I will do it next week. I need to write it on the calendar and put it on the refridgerator so that I can see it every day and someone can always ask me if I got my exercizing in.

It would be nice to get 10 pounds off this month. We leave for vacation in a few weeks and i just don't want to feel like the fat Mama. We are going to be in Colorado and Utah and I want to be able to do things with the kids and Don so a little bit of weight off might help. I'm a bit worried that the altitude is going to affect me but I just need to stick to my plan and I will be able to do what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Today is a bad day. Yesterday we went to the beach at St. Joe, MI and I can't tell you how many times I worried that they were going to yell "BEACHED WHALE" and we all know that there are no whales in Lake Michigan. Maybe I shouldn't have bought a black and white suit... the colors of the Killer whale.

I know that I am really having some problems right now with my health and I have to go to the doctor tomorrow and I think that is why I am still awake at 12:26am. I don't want to get on the scale. I don't want to know that I weigh more today than I weighed right after I had my baby last year. I just want to scream. I have to get this under control. There are no second chances if I choose to eat my way into oblivion and have a heart attack or complications from diabetes. I won't even go to the doctor to have my sugar tested yet I know that I am having problems. Hence... my reasons for going back to my therapist. I really have to work on the things that make me eat.

I know that when I do not feel in control I eat. I am not in control of my life the way I wish I were right now and I need to figure out how to change my behaviors because I can not change the things I cannot control.

What I can control is that I am always saying to myself "tomorrow I will do better". Why can't I do better today? Why do I need to avoid the inevitable? Don’t I want to live a long time for my kids and husband? Why do I want to self-destruct? Do I eat because I feel it is going to solve something? I have found over the years it doesn’t solve anything it just upsets me and then in the long run I eat more.

Jeez I really need to get my act together don’t you think? Quit feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I shouldn’t blog… why am I putting this out on the net? Well, the answer to that is because I need to journal about it and if there are other people out there suffering from this horrible issue of weight than maybe we can help each other.

Ok I need to go to bed. I have gotten a few things off my chest via this blog tonight.

I guess I’m going to get up in the morning. Be with my babies for a short while and then go to the doctor and listen to what he has to say… and then go get my nails done. Maybe that will cheer me up for the day.

Things not to say this Fat person:
10. You have a great personality (I know I do I had to cover up the fat pain somehow)
9. You have a pretty face (Thanks it is a nice compliment but right now I'm so heavy it doesn't help)
8. You know if you just didn't have that fat around your belly (SHUT UP MOTHER)
7. They make lots of nice clothes for your size now (no it's just that they changed the name from "Omar the tent maker" to Lane Bryant)
6. Because your tall you carry your weight well. (NO I DON'T)
5. You just had two babies... (that's an excuse)
4. I bet your kids like to rest on your chest
3. Jeez your just fat (yes I am but how about we just don't talk about it in public until I say so)
2. You've lost the weight before you will lose it again... (I should buy stock in yoyo dieting)
1. Your not fat your just big (If people say this and think they are being nice... I'M GOING TO TELL YOU RIGHT NOW... YOU'RE NOT NICE!!!)